You may remember my nanny, Philomena Mandrake.
How my heart ached when she walked out of the ancient pile.
Her elopement with bent bookmaker Owen Lotts still rankles.
The piglet hurling world is in disarray.
Nobody these days believes that the sport is clean.
So many competitors banned for life after accepting Lotts lolly to lose.
Even the BBC has refused to televise the Piglet Hurling Premier League.
And they only have bowls, snooker and baking left to broadcast.
Sadly, the dastardly Lotts is back in the news this week.
His online betting company, 299.com is being investigated by the serious fraud squad.
It appears that certain players in the Fleetwood Darts League may be involved.
Today, I intend to look for likely suspects.
Lenny Billington and Kenny Harrison from the Collapsible Comrades are first under the microscope.
They both score 299 against visitors the Ashley.
However, I cannot believe that Owen would have attempted to nobble just a couple of Comrades, given the woeful away record of visitors the Peripatetic Pensioners.
Therefore, I am willing to give both of them the benefit of the doubt.
The highlight of a one sided encounter in Annie’s Attic is a splendid eleven darts win for Stan Billington over Joe Lavery.
Had the Ashley player drawn any other homester he surely would have won.
The entire Cricket Club squad are on the verge of being included in enquiries this week.
Fortunately for them, Jimmy Pilling is around to secure a solitary win against Dockers ‘A’.
Adam Blyth maintains his six point advantage at the top of the averages in recording his eighteenth straight win of the campaign.
Similarly, Anthony Rhimes saves Highbury ‘B’ from being whitewashed against defending champions Fleetwood Cons.
Steve Cowell rattles in a 180 for the victorious Lowther Lotharios, whose only loser is Alan Ashton.
We’ll be keeping an eye on him, given that he scored 299.
He’d best not roll up in a new sports car any time soon.
Meanwhile, back in Albert Square, Chris Garton is securing the win that gives visitors the Blaster Heathens an unassailable 5-1 advantage.
His opponent, Typhoon Tracey ends up on 299.
Hopefully, a Gucci delivery van won’t be turning up outside Chez Cunningham in the next few days.
With Mark Mizon catching the eye for the victorious Taverners in the opening leg, it is not until the match is lost that the Femme Fatales burst into life.
A win in the penultimate leg for Margaret Garner reduces the deficit to 5-2, this before Carol Evans spears treble seventeen and tops with the final darts of the match.
Elsewhere, the players from both Dockers ‘B’ and the Bowling Club are adjudged to be squeaky clean.
From the outset it is obvious that both teams are up for the scrap.
Man of the match Terry Beavers gets the visitors off to a flyer, an advantage that immediately evaporates as Gareth Bidder and Mikey Blyth edge the hosts ahead.
Still, there is nothing between the sides after Chris Donnelly squares the match at the halfway point.
Back ahead go the Spirits through top banana Craig Gill at the start of the second period.
Back bounce the biased boys through Steve Stanhope.
Even now, the home side refuses to buckle as Mitch Blyth makes it 4-3 in the penultimate leg.
But with last man Mark Wilson still enjoying his best season for many a year, it is no surprise when he chalks up win number fourteen of the season to leave the final score beautifully juxtaposed at 4-4.
Another close encounter of the darting kind is unfolding upon Poulton Road, as the Strawberry and Workingmens go at it toe to toe.
Victories, for top dog Graham Hopkinson, Andy Gratrix and Steve Tonge soon have the home crowd cooing contentedly, at 3-0 to the good.
Although Geoff Ball stops the rot in game four, before long the punnets are preening once more after Ian Ball secures at least a point for the Fuzzy Ducks.
And a point is all they eventually end up with, as Brian Wood, Ian Heslop and man of the match Reb Hogg take the last three legs for a share of the spoils.
Given that the last three home players are all just starting out in the game, it is obvious that Owen hasn’t been up to his skulduggery here.
Let’s though consider Graham Roney.
Yes, I know that he plays for Deaduns.
Yes, I know they lost 8-0 against the Cavan Thake inspired Mount.
But he did score 299 against Steve Riley.
Okay, we will see how many he gets next week in the Land That Cabs Forgot.
Agent 301 will be undercover at the Ashley - disguised as a coat stand.
Just one more chance this week to spot a bit of dodgy darting.
Highbury ‘A’ are on Beach Road, hoping to maintain their one point advantage at the top of the table.
Eddie Miller gets them off to a winning start in game one, this before Jeff Wright and Johnny Johnstone enjoy a shared experience in game two.
But then, in the blink of an eye, the hosts surge into the lead courtesy of man of the match Mike Tallentire and the ebullient Lee Howell.
(Note to self. John Shaw scores 299)
A brace of wins for Robert Dagger and Carl Simey ease the Highbury back in front.
A twelve darter from Scott Hayton finally secures the win for the visitors in the penultimate leg, this before Jack Wilson reduces the deficit to a solitary leg at the end.
I have just received a telegram from Interpol.
Owen Lotts has been arrested in Kuala Lumpur.
He had in his possession of a bag of sticky buns.
Apparently, he had been trying to corrupt competitors at the Elephant Olympics.
Thanks for reading.