The First Minister of the Fleetwood National Party, Mr. Jamie Spore, has called for a vote of independence from the rest of Britain, or at least from Thornton Cleveleys.
At around ten bells on Friday evening the First Minister, who also happens to be captain of the Queens Hotel darts team, is discussing the matter with a number of his most vociferous supporters.
“It’s just not right”, says a pint of lager.
“This is a local league for local teams”, says a gin and tonic.
“Coming over here with their fancy cardigans”, says a pint of bitter.
“Humming Val Doonican tunes behind you at the oche”, says an orange and soda.
“Can’t get a bottle of Sanatogen anywhere these days”, slurs a tequila and brandy.
“Who needs Thornton?” says a vodka and tonic.
“Damned metropolitan elite”, says a man in a kilt.
Meanwhile, outside on the car park the aged members of the Ashley darts team clamber onto the hydraulic lift at the rear of their team bus. Dewy eyed and joyous, the peripatetic pensioners look forward to telling matron of a rare success on the road, that is unless they forget where they have been by the time they arrive back at the retirement home in the Land That Cabs Forgot. Hopefully, this will help them remember.
From the outset it looks as though the silver surfers are to subside in time honoured fashion, despite a first half win for Geoff Moyle. On the other side of the room there is much satisfaction upon the faces of their hosts, this after a hat trick of victories for Mike Lovell, Ian Rees and man of the match Jeff Wright.
Now, I can’t be sure, but I think that food rationing was still in place when last the Ashley won all four second half legs of an away fixture. But, on Friday they only go and manage it again, courtesy of Mick Buckingham, man of the match Harold Davies, Martin Coleclough and last man Keith Higham.
And on Saturday morning, the First Minister is amazed see that a fence separating Fleetwood and Thornton has already been erected on Amounderness Way. And this, only an hour after he had emailed the Prime Minister asking for a referendum.
Elsewhere on Friday evening there is a humdinger of a match taking place on Upper Lune Street, as the Bowling Boys take on early season table toppers Highbury ‘A’. From the outset, the home side set about their guests with relentless abandon, a 2-0 lead soon established after a brace of early victories from top banana Mike Jackson and newbie Mark Wilson. Back bounce the Highbury to square the match at 2-2, courtesy of rising star Steve Bond and the gimlet eyed Ray Connolly.
Into the second half and victory in game five for the home side as Alan Jackson rolls back the years in fine style, a lead immediately relinquished though as man of the match Mark Thwaites emphatically levels things at 3-3. Still, the home side refuses to buckle as Terry Beavers takes the biased boys to within touching distance of a well deserved triumph, a triumph that is to slip through their fingers as Scott Hayton snatches a point with the final darts of a truly titanic encounter.
Defending champions Dockers ‘A’ are also finding things a bit of struggle this year, albeit that they remain one of only two teams with an unblemished record after three weeks. This week they are again involved in a dogfight, the Tony Ashburn inspired Blasted Heathens still very much in touch with the score standing at 3-3. But then, the bravest ostrich in town, Mark Smith and partner in crime Lee Shewan see off the challenge of their resolute opponents for a hard earned 5-3 victory.
The Mount sit proudly atop the pile this weekend, this after Cavan Thake helps the esplanaders see of the challenge of the Peking Ducks with something to spare. Phil Lee is best on the night for the plucky Workingmens, who have had a severe run of fixtures to circumnavigate during these opening weeks of hostilities.
The Collapsible Comrades suffer their first defeat of the campaign at the hands of the Lowther Lotharios on Friday. Dale Newton is best on the night for the triumphant Cons squad, with Steve Bridge one of only two homesters to visit the winners enclosure this time around.
The Blyth Spirits get their first win of the season on Friday as they take on the Femme Fatales down Preston Street. Alan Thornton is as happy as a hyena who has just heard a good one from another hyena in taking centre stage for the victorious Dockers ‘B’ outfit, with Trish Hughes more than happy at being better than a Blyth on the night.
Also picking up their first points this week are Highbury ‘B’, the highlight of their 6-2 victory over the previously undefeated Fuzzy Ducks being a thirteen darts cameo from Anthony Rhimes. And although Ian Ball hits a 180 for the deflated ducks on the night, John Rowe is once more the boy to have them fluttering their eyelashes in the cheap seats in picking up his first man of the match award of the season.
Our final match this week takes place down Lord Street, as the Atkin Juggernaut welcomes the Cricket Club to town. Phil Schofield gets the cricketers off to a flying start, only for Kevin Thompson to square things up immediately. And although Daniel Atkin eases the home side back in front at 2-1, before the steely nerves and unwavering eye of Misguided Dave have levelled things nicely at 2-2.
A brace of victories for Pete Fairbrother and man of the match Tony Brogden takes the home side to the brink of victory, only for debutant Dean Stockell to leave his new team mates gasping in admiration at his pyrotechnical precision in reducing the deficit to 4-3. Sadly, this is to be as good as it gets for the visitors as home skipper Sean Atkin secures the victory that moves the Royal Oak up to sixth in the table.