When not writing about darts, I like to spend my leisure time doing a bit of woodwork.
I am never happier than when banging nails into a lump of wood.
Sadly, I am as proficient at woodwork as I am at playing darts.
On Saturday morning, the boat I had recently built keeled over, depositing all the fish upon the carpet in the great hall.
You may wonder why the vessel had fish swimming around inside it.
Well they were carp you see.
And the boat had ten decks.
It is a multi -storey carp ark.
Have you any idea how hard it is to come up with funny darts anecdotes after fifteen years of writing these weekly diatribes? So I thought I’d start off this week with a fish joke instead.
Normally, I would begin by telling you how the bottom feeders in the league have been floundering as their opponents dance a celebratory conger. But not this week, for on Friday the Cricket Club travel to the Blasted Heath and produce a turbot charged performance of unexpected virulence.
First half wins for Jimmy Pilling, Tony Kemp, Dean Stockell and Darrell Moore leave home captain Peter Hornby with a severe haddock at the halfway point. And although Ian Barron reduces the deficit to 4-1 at the start of the second period, before long the visitors have safely netted both points courtesy of Darren Rathbone.
Having secured the victory, imagine how chagrined are the flannelled fools to discover that the team just one point higher than them in the league have also gone and won!
Jamie Cygal, Ian Rees and Paul Bailey get the Beach Road Boys off to a flying fish start, this before Belinda Yusuf mussels a leg back for the Femme Fatales. Jamie Spore and Mike Tallentire safely secure both points for the Queens at the start of the second period, this before Carol Evans grabs the oppor-tuna-ty to reduce the deficit to 5-2. A last man win for Daniel Christian leaves visiting skipper Trish Hughes feeling decidedly down at eel.
Another ocheologist feeling that some fin should be done to sort it trout on Friday is averages leader Steve Riley from the Mount. Opponent Ian Kempson rarely experiences success upon the oche, but loves to play just for the halibut. Sadly for the Strawberry, Ian is to be their only winner this week as Cavan The Hake leads the Olympians home with plenty to spare.
Mike Jackson gets his skates on and scallops to an opening win for the Bowling Club as they take on the Cons down Upper Lune Street. But then wins for Wally Mitchinson, Roy Gaskell and skipper Geoff Coulborn produce a bream response by the table toppers.
Surprisingly, things get a shoal lot worse for the visitors at the start of the second period, as Ian Ivison, Mark Wilson and Les Ivison net a trio of victories to put the biased boys 4-3 ahead. But, there is to be no fairy tale ending for the home side as debut boy Brad Ashton proves to be a dab hand in securing a priceless point for the visitors with his final cast of the match.
Highbury ‘A’ haul in a quartet of first half wins in their match away to the Royal Oak, this before Daniel Atkin manages to hook something for the hosts at the start of the second half. However, Mark Thwaites soon has the visitors back on an even keel, his demeanour upon hitting a ten darts leg anything but koi.
Dockers ‘A’ are quite shellfish this time around, late wins by a porpoiseful Mark Smith, Lee Shewan and Brett Dawson spoiled the good work done earlier in the evening by Highbury ‘B’ duo Andy Helsby and Anthony Rhimes.
A brace of Bridge wins by Jonathan and Steve gets the Collapsibles off to a good start against the aged ones on Friday, this before Joe Lavery tries to kipper lid on it by making it 2-1. But, that proves to be as good as it gets for the old men of the sea, as the Brillingtons, Babbling Brooky and Codfather Kane secure five unanswered victories in a roe.
Finally this week, Dockers ‘B’ prove that any fin is possible, even with half of their squid away in the Isle of Man. And yet things look bleak early on a Don Gair and Brian Wood ease visitors the Workingmens into an early lead. A shared experience between Haidan Hughes and Reb Hogg keeps home hopes alive in game three, this before Baz Martin reduces the deficit to a single leg at the halfway stage.
Not bad but cod do batter, is the general consensus amongst the home shoal as they nibble on their halftime plankton.
But even as they mullet over, further ahead forge the orientals through fifth up Peter Fogg. Salmon has to sort this out thinks Elliot Lowe, before getting on his pike to fix it. This proves to be the turning point as Craig “Aquatic Respiratory Organ Man” Gill glides serenely home in the penultimate leg, this before Andy Parry Jones mussels his way to victory in the final game.
Think I might clam up now.