In the darkest recesses of the attic at Bleasdale Towers stands a dusty clothes rail. Hanging forlornly from it are all my superhero costumes.
“Bullseye Man” is a particularly loathsome creation in black and red. I remember being severely chafed by the sisal gusset whenever I wore it for practice.
The yellow “Brass Boy” ensemble was rubbish as well. I was laid up in bed for a month with metal fatigue after spending too long at the oche in that monstrosity.
It is only when I slip into my puce and magenta “Couldn’t Hit Cow’s Backside with a Banjo Man” costume that I feel truly comfortable upon the oche.
So I see what’s going on here Berni.
You’re just like Diana Prince aren’t you?
You know.............Wonder Woman.
Changes her name and becomes a super heroine.
Well that might work in the comics but not at the oche it doesn’t.
Believe me I’ve tried.
Anyway, let’s have a look at these match cards to see what’s been going on this week.
Let’s start with the three leaders in the individual averages race. Now where is that Royal Oak card? Here we go. Now who did the unbeaten Tony Brogden demolish from the Femme Fatales?
Holy hardest metal in the world! Basketball Boy has only gone and lost his unbeaten record. And wouldn’t you know it, his nemesis is none other than the nascent Newby. It looks like there could be something in this name changing malarkey after all.
And yet things seemed to be going to plan for the Juggernaut early on after Daniel Atkin storms to an impressive win in the opener. However, this is to be the only success for the hosts in the first half as Tracey Cunningham, Trish Hughes and the Tungsten Titan all return triumphant from the oche to leave the Juggernaut floundering like a beached whale at the halfway point.
At the start of the second period, it is the home side who quickly roar back into contention, thanks to a couple of successful forays to the board by Sean and Eddie Atkin. The girls however are not to be deprived of their second point of the campaign, its safe arrival assured once Belinda Yusuf makes it 4-3 in the penultimate game. Alas, that is as close as the ladies get to their first win of the season as last man Bill White snatches a point for the Royal Oak with the final darts of a terrific tussle on Lord Street.
Now who are the other two rascals currently enjoying a carefree start to the season? Oh yes, Cavan Thake from the Mount and Steve Bond from Highbury ‘A’. And wouldn’t you know it, they are both participating in a match of significant importance between the two sides currently sitting at the top of the table.
The match is nicely balanced after the opening couple of exchanges, this after Mark Thwaites storms back from what looks to be a hopeless position to snatch an early lead upon the esplanade for the visitors. The home side immediately level things in game two, Andy Parry Jones back to his belligerent best in seeing off the challenge of Scott Hayton.
Thereafter, I am afraid things go dramatically downhill for the hosts as man of the match Ray Connolly, Carl Simey, Robert Job, and Johnny Johnstone all win to give the footballers an unassailable 5-1 advantage. Amongst the wreckage they leave behind them on the Mount oche is the unbeaten start to the season by Cavan Thake, which means that only My Word Is My Bond remains undefeated as he steps to the oche in the penultimate game.
Minutes later he stands triumphant at the top of the pile, this after recording win number seven of the season. Namesake Brian Bond provides a little consolation for the well beaten Olympians in the dying embers of the match with a splendid cameo to leave the final score reading 6-2 in favour of the Highbury.
Both Dockers ‘A’ and the Cons move to within a solitary point of the Mount on Friday, each chalking up emphatic victories on the road. The former eviscerate the Queens Hotel on Beach Road by 7-1, a maximum from Lee Shewan the highlight of his man of the match performance. For the hosts, it is Bobby Walker who flies a solitary flag of resistance in the face of a rampant return to winning ways by the defending champions.
The Lowther Lotharios are doing even better than their arch rivals on Friday, the highlight of their 8-0 demolition of hosts Highbury ‘B’ a masterclass from the pyrotechnically precise Dean Barker. I hear that home player Andy Helsby walked under ten ladders, spilled a sack of salt and broke sixteen mirrors on Friday before stepping up to the oche for his match. Ask him about it next time you see him.
Meanwhile, the travails of the Cricket Club continue unabated. This week they slip to the bottom of the heap despite an eleven darter from Jim Pilling and a second win of the season for son Dave. A twelve darts cameo from Elliot Lowe is the highlight of an emphatic 6-2 victory for the Blyth Spirits.
Across town on Upper Lune Street, the Biased Boys are taking on visitors the Peking Ducks. Terry Beavers is again top banana for the home side, with Brian Wilson enjoying his good vibrations upon the oche for the Workingmens. Things are definitely on the up and up for the Bowling Boys this season, as evidenced in a comfortable 6-2 victory on the night.
Elsewhere, the Collapsible Comrades get back to winning ways with a comfortable victory over visitors the Fuzzy Ducks. Kenny Harrison is back to his best for the triumphant hosts, with Graham Hopkinson as happy as a hedgehog in a brush factory with his fifth win of the campaign for the scrambled Strawberries. Oh, and Rowe the Throw continued his Harry Houdini impersonation for the losers in snatching an unlikely draw on double three.
Finally this week, I can report that the Peripatetic Pensioners have secured yet another point in what is turning out to be a remarkable season for the retirement home. However, it has to be said that hosts, the Tormented Taverners, are well on the way to a much needed second win of the campaign when Chris Garton eases them ahead by 4-1. But this year, the visitors have suddenly been blessed with a trio of players that can’t stop winning.
And those are three players that home skipper Pete Hornby has been carefully keeping away from the oche as his charges ease to within touching distance of both points. Finally, he has to let them loose and can only watch in despair as Geoff Moyle, Martin Coleclough and Harold Davies duly record the wins that takes the Ashley up into an unheard of seventh position in the table.
I’m off now to try on my “Bullseye Man” outfit again. Maybe if I pad the gusset with cotton wool it won’t chafe as much. The things you have to put up with if you want to be an ocheological superhero.
Thanks for reading.