The problem has been vexing the officials of both the PDC and BDO, as they struggle to identify the next generation of match officials. There is much midnight oil being burned in the corridors of ocheological power as they seek to address this mathematical malaise.
The BDO has been looking closely at a “Vague Darts Scoring Method”, as devised by Professor Juan Tutree, of the Nether Wyresdale Wednesday Afternoon Maths Club.
“Basically,” opines the Professor, “you replace actual numbers with rough estimates, so no more games of 501. Rather, we will be playing HEAPS from now on. Good players scoring LOTS will soon only require SOME to win the game. Bad players scoring FEW will still need SHEDLOADS.”
A trial of the new system in the match between the Rat and Armpit and the Brown Cow sadly proves inconclusive, this after Fingers McGrew of the Cow claims that Owen Lotts of the Armpit needed MANY, MANY and SOME, not the MANY, MANY and FEW he finished his match with. The resultant fracas has caused the BDO to abandon the initiative for the time being.
Meanwhile, officials from the PDC have been holding talks with the Amalgamated Bingo Callers Union, with a view to employing some of their redundant members as match officials. Having sanctioned the introduction of a Loudometer at this season’s Premier League matches, the PDC representatives see nothing untoward in using match officials whose clarion calls will include such gems as “Phil, you require Sunset Strip!” and “Barney you need Buckle My Shoe!”
Thankfully, here in the port, we are still blessed with an adequate sufficiency of traditional ocheological numerists to keep things ticking over for the time being. One such is Geoff Coulborn, captain of defending champions the Fleetwood Cons. On Friday the chalk wielded by Geoff is in danger of spontaneously combusting as his charges explode from the blocks in monumental fashion. Gigantic opening throws by his charges in the opening period leave opponents the Collapsible Comrades bewitched, battered, bewildered and 4-0 down.
Into the second half and still the home players maintain their blitz upon the shell shocked visitors. Eventually, at 6-0 to the good, the tempest subsides a little; thus allowing brothers Lenny and Stan Billington to reduce the deficit to manageable proportions at the death. Dale Newton is back to his very best for the winners, a 149 opener the precursor for a ten darts masterclass by the Artful Dodger.
The title challenge of Highbury ‘A’ is dealt a severe blow on Friday night when the Strawberry records a wholly unexpected 5-3 victory at the football club. Having quickly lost the two opening exchanges, the visitors bravely bounce back into contention courtesy of Curtis Sandercock, this before Michael Shaw bangs in a 156 opener against dad John in game four. Not since Cronus despatched Uranus in the Hades Round the Board League, has such a violent act of patricide been perpetrated upon an oche.
Into the second half and back in front edge the hosts through Mick Gordon, a victory that proves to be a final hurrah for the Highbury as man of the match Andy Gratrix, Mark Wilson and Graham Hopkinson all secure priceless wins for the delirious Ducks.
This surprising setback allows the Mount to clamber into third spot, albeit after a wafer thin 5-3 victory over a resilient Workingmens outfit. Indeed, the Reb Hogg inspired home side are within touching distance of a famous victory themselves, that is until Dave Coulborn and man of the match Andy Parry Jones snatch the prize from their grasp in the dying embers of the match.
No such problems to report this week for table toppers Dockers ‘A’ as they cruise to an emphatic 7-1 victory away to the Cricket Club. Lee Shewan maintains his recent purple patch for the victors with Jimmy Pilling flying a solitary flag of resistance for the bamboozled boundary boys.
Also running out of steam this week are the Queens Hotel, as Tony Ashburn and Chris Garton snatch both points for the Blasted Heathens in the final straight. Lee Howell continues to impress all and sundry with his fourth straight win for the Beach Road Boys, whilst for the triumphant Taverners, it is skipper Pete Hornby who has them swooning in the cheap seats.
Similarly running out of puff on Friday are the Blyth Spirits. A brace of wins for Anthony Rhimes and Cliff Ashby sees visitors Highbury ‘B’ snatch a point when all looks lost at 4-2 down. Steve Dagger is best on the night for the Dockers ‘B’, with Steve Hayton lachrymosely lobbing his way to glory for the visitors.
Dave Spencer is the hero of the hour for Deaduns this week as he helps his side bounce back from last week’s debacle against the Biased Boys. Once again we have a match tied at 3-3, as the Trish Hughes inspired Femme Fatales seek to record a fourth victory of the campaign upon Upper Lune Street. But once again, it is to be the visitors who hold their nerve to snatch a 5-3 triumph via last men Peter Fairbrother and Daniel Atkin.
That result gives the Peripatetic Pensioners a golden opportunity to clamber off the foot of the table as they take on the Bowling Club in deepest Thornton. And it seems that they are going to secure a priceless victory when George Housecroft takes them into a 4-2 lead.
But, as has been the case in the majority of this week’s encounters, it is to be the visiting contingent that finishes the stronger. Recently returned from their romantic liaisons on Valentine’s Night, Fleetwood’s very own Woody and Buzz, Mike Jackson and Terry Beavers take to the oche. A man of the man performance by Woody reduces the deficit to 4-3, before last man Buzz snatches victory on the arrows to break the hearts of the aged ones.
Thanks for reading.